September 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm · Filed under Population: Me, Action News!
Hi.
I’m not dead.
It’s just that some weird things are going on in my world. I’m all existential and pouty so I’m really no fun right now.
Here’s a nugget for you that might lend reason for my impending insanity:
I bought the new New Kids on the Block album. It’s called The Block. I’m listening to it right now.
It’s not bad. It’s not good, mind you, but I’d play it all day just to avoid hearing any fucking Kid Rock again.
Donnie is a better actor than singer, I think, and he’s still rapping in case you were worried.
Jordan still can’t dance. I still couldn’t pick Danny or Jon out of a line-up and Joey never left the runt stage.
Don’t judge me.
July 21, 2008 at 4:31 pm · Filed under Population: Me, Line 'Em Up
First list here, second list here.
- Cream Bronzer
- Dairy Queen Girl Scout Thin Mint Blizzards
- New baby girls
- My sister’s swimming pool
- Thin gold hoops
- Backyard swings
- Philippa Gregory novels
- Santogold, Tyga, N.E.R.D, and Rhianna
- Bright nail polishes (like yellow and purple)
- America’s Next Top Model marathons
- Strawberry Lemon Slushes at Sonic
- Sushi with old friends
- My friend, Andrea’s, rose bush
- Philosophy The Microdelivery Peel treatment set (I love this product any season but it’s especially awesome in the summer what with the sweat and grime.)
- Sister’s homemade salse
- “Playing” tennis with my nephews
- My Life on The D-list
- Gray clothing, jewelry, shoes, makeup (including nail polish) and handbags
- Green chile pork burritos with jack cheese
- Root beer floats
- Flowy tank tops
*Notice the list is getting smaller and also see most of these things do not involve being outside in the actual summer. Clearly the hermit cynic is here to stay. And here I thought it was just a phase.
Daily Tumblr: Freebie List Vox QOTD: Olympics TOTD: From Joshua Green Allen STOD: Greg Laswell “That it Moves” O/POTD: Cougar Cadet Corps from Sundry
June 18, 2008 at 5:25 pm · Filed under Population: Me, Sweetie, Darling
Decidedly, my new favorite activity is perusing the infants & toddlers clothes sections at department stores. Not very exciting, I guess. If you’re DEAD inside. I’m sorry but whatever your deal is with kids — want kids, have kids, don’t want kids, hate kids — if butt ruffles don’t make you involuntarily coo, there is something wrong with you and possibly you should seek some professional help.
After buying numerous birthday and Christmas presents for all the little boys in my life: six biological nephews and 2 adjunct nephews, I am so excited for all the new little girls and girls-to-be in my life. My new little niece, Mia, is four months now and I feel comfortable saying she is the cutest, baldest, 4 month old named Mia who lives in Utah.
Buying clothes for little boys is fun, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had fun picking out just the right t-shirts with snakes and the accompanying cargo shorts. But getting to buy clothes for little girls is like hitting the fan-freaking jackpot. Particularly if your life is sad like mine and you have learned to find joy in the little things — especially if the little things involve consumerism and teeny-tiny cardigans.
I never really got to buy baby clothes for my oldest niece, who is only nine years younger than me. I didn’t really have the funds to buy her presents when I was 9 but I’ve made up for it over the years. I love buying things for her now — she has very similar taste to me when it comes to clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc, so I always feel good about what I’ve picked out for her. But she’s 17 now and has her own sense of style so, sadly, she doesn’t really like me to buy her three piece outfits and onesizes like I really want to. Kids these days. What I wouldn’t give to have a onesize to lounge around in.
Since Mia arrived in February, she’s been…(OK, I can’t think of the right word to use here. I don’t want to say spoiled because that has a negative connotation to it and the word showered just bugs me. I guess I’ll use…) lavished with presents. Clothes, especially, have been gifted to her from every corner. My corner, the gunning-for-favorite-most-stylish-aunt corner, still can’t pass by a summer dress without justifying the special, urgent, and real need Mia has for this dress. Little fact you may not know about me: I am so good at justifying the need to buy something.
This is a good example of what runs through my head at Target:
This dress could be the best thing that ever happened to her. This dress could make me aunt of the year. Alright, that’s it, she needs it. Who cares if it’s the 50th one I’ve bought her? It’s my money and I’ll spend it how I want to. You only live once. Carpe fracking diem. That’s how I roll — by the seat of minimum-wage pants. And Mia needs this. What kind of family would I be if I didn’t give her what she needs? I bet she wears it everyday.
My friend, Justifying, is sort of known for forgetting to mention the inevitable exchange that will follow the heroic act of buying a dress for a fourth-month old:
Me: “Hi, Mia, I know you can’t talk yet but you really need this summer dress. See the paisley? It’s so in this season, you’ll have them panting in the streets. Well, you can’t walk yet but trust me, it’s what you need to be wearing.”
Mia: “….”
Me: “I know. And you’re welcome.”
In addition to Mia, two of my very good friends are pregnant with little baby girls. I’m very excited for them. I’m also very excited for me because I get to continue making up excuses to stop by the baby aisle and spend the money that’s perpetually burning in my pocket.
Who needs savings? Not someone who drives her dad’s car, rents her house, and owns wicker furniture. Certainly not her. She a beloved aunt, you know.
Daily Tumblr: Right at home. Vox QOTD: Kindergarten. TOTD: From Brian Byrne. STOD: Adele “Best for Last.” O/POTD: Simone’s feet.
June 4, 2008 at 4:50 pm · Filed under Population: Me, Blech, Action News!
I got a new bed over Memorial Day Weekend.
It was time; I had my previous bed for 10 years and it was used when I bought it. No, I was sixteen at the time so my parents bought it. From some guy who knew some guy who knew my Dad. It was my first full-size bed to go with my first grown-up, downstairs bedroom.
Since then, it’s been moved four times. The last time was into the spare room where it will retire, living out its remaining years under the rouse that it will come in perfect handy in the unlikely event of overnight guests. It is prepared to become the dogs’ bed in the likely event that the dogs need to get some shut-eye between naps.
The old bed had wreaked havoc on my back and shoulders, where I keep all my tension, and after so many hours (seriously, you have no idea how much I sleep) of use, a body-shaped hole started to form in the middle of the bed. I tried to compensate for the discomfort by using a featherbed but as it turns out, the featherbed is pretty much as pliable as a real bed and it eventually molded to the body-shaped hole. This made for some uncomfortable nights.
So you see, I had good reasons to purchase a new bed. I had saved enough money to get a new bed. Wait, that’s a lie, I ending up being able to get the bed thanks to Georgie’s hush money.
My sister and I were going to pay off our washer, dryer, and furniture balance and pay off a good portion of the new balance created by the purchase of 2 new beds. (That old adage “You have to have money to make money,” is so frakking true. I can’t get credit because I don’t have credit. I don’t have credit so I can’t get credit. You, too, are a victim of this messed up system? Get co-credit with a friend/sibling. Unless you’re like some criminal or something and in that case, probably best no one gave you credit in the first place.)
What I’m trying to say is plans were made to get new beds. And come Memorial Day weekend, we went down to the furniture store, met up with our old salesman pal, Jon, and got to looking at some mattresses and box springs. (No headboards or foot boards for these broads, just the bare essentials.) Jon took us through the spill of warranty this, and spring count that and after many test drives, we picked the ones we wanted.
Jon, and bear in mind we really like him and trust him — and I don’t usually like sales people as a general rule — started telling us about these waterproof bed covers. At first, we wasn’t interested because they cost 100 dollars and we couldn’t afford them and who are we kidding, we can withstand some spillage — who are we, Zsa Zsa Gabor? But he went on further to explain the warranty and how great these things protect your bed and your bed’s warranty and blah, blah, blah, commission.
And then Jon sealed the deal with this scrumptious tidbit of information he felt compelled to share with us. Apparently the micro-organisms that live on our persons, our clothes, our beds, etc, excrete waste just like any other living, eating entity. But they’re not well-behaved, little potty-trained micro-organisms who jump off your person, your clothes, your bed, etc to poop or peep. Nope, they pretty much shit where they live. And over ten years of bed use, the excrement can total up to 150 pounds of extra weight in the mattress. You heard me.
And wouldn’t you know it, these mattress covers help prevent the excrement from seeping into your mattress with regular washings. And wouldn’t you have guessed it, we bought two. And if he was selling other solutions to get micro-organism waste away from me, I would have snatched those up, too. Sight unseen and price unheard.
One hundred and fifty fucking pounds, people! Think about that and try NOT to convulse into a shivering mess.
Daily Tumblr: One is not like the other. Vox Question of the Day (QoTD): Life is short. TOTD (Twitter of the Day): From Merlin Mann. SOTD (Song of the Day): Raining Jane “Incline.” O/POTD (Object/Picture of the Day: From Jen and Tonic.
May 22, 2008 at 10:55 am · Filed under Population: Me
DISCLAIMER: I realize that the next few lines are going to come across as bitter. Really, though, this exercise is very therapeutic for me. Therapeutic because I’m trying to discover possible origins for my issues and by saying them out loud, I am taking responsibility for how I allow these issues to effect the rest of life. I believe that everyone of us has had something done to us but what we do with the results of those actions is entirely up to us.
You might remember that I posted the “10 Things My Parents Tried to Teach Me” back in September. Or you might not. Either way, I wasn’t ready at the time to write this correlating post. And the next 10 things were what I had wanted to say all along.
- Maintaining a tough, un-feeling, sarcastic exterior while arguing is the sure fire way to win.
- With age comes wisdom. And a sense of entitlement.
- Your life will consist mainly of sitting around and waiting for something to happen.
- Religion is a business and has little to do with spirituality.
- Even if you work now, things will still be hard later.
- People will not love me if I’m fat.
- Other people have enough going on in their own lives to be worried about every little thing you’re doing.
- Food is a social thing. Food is love, food is everything. But remember, people will not love you if you’re fat.
- Shut your mouth.
- Don’t give up on friendships that are important to you not matter what people say.
May 22, 2008 at 10:31 am · Filed under Population: Me, Sweetie, Darling, Line 'Em Up
- Tearing up during an argument does not help further your case. If anything, it hinders.
- Don’t assume you know everything about everything. In fact it’s more on the likely that you know nothing about nothing.
- Time will pass you right on by. Take advantage of it while you can.
- The Mormon church is the only true church.
- If you don’t work hard now, things will be even harder later.
- People will not love me if I’m fat.
- Brush it off. Don’t talk about your feelings.
- Sunday dinner consists of: pork roast, homemade mashed potatoes and pork gravy, homemade rolls, jello mold with fruit and whip cream, dill pickles, black olives, broccoli with cheese and ice water.
- Mind your business.
- Your friends will try to lead you astray and eventually corrupt you. Remember who you are.
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